


The way back

by coffecolors, lessStress



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Break Up-Make Up, M/M, Post-Break Up, Slice of Life, couple fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffecolors/pseuds/coffecolors, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lessStress/pseuds/lessStress
Summary: Jongdae and Baekhyun broke up months ago. It’s supposed to be the end.So why is he here, in front of his door at two in the morning?
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 10
Kudos: 87
Collections: EXO Relay





	1. Chapter 1

There is no good that can possibly come from a knock on the door at 2 am, not even when it’s pouring down outside. Jongdae hasn’t been asleep for long when he is stirred awake in his too-large bed from the sound of the thumping. He rushes to the front steps, heart pounding against his chest. There is a voice calling his name, and it sounds familiar, but he could barely process it in his alarmed and drowsy state. 

He barely thinks about if he should open the door or not, what if it was a thief? Jongdae carefully presses his right ear on the door trying to hear something.

He can hear nothing.

Counting to three, he opens the door to find a face so familiar, a face that has been appearing in his dreams and nightmares as of late. 

That face is leaning on the wall, with messy hair and smudged makeup. His suit - Jongdae could count with one hand all the times he’s seen this person wear one - is crumpled and stained with raindrops all the way through. His tie is getting undone, and Jongdae could smell whiffs of soju from him.

“Baekhyun.”

“You still live here!” Baekhyun exclaims, a little too loud for the hour. He flashes a boxy grin, and it’s been so long since Jongdae last saw Baekhyun smile like this. “You’re still, you’re still here.”

“What happened? Why did you-” Jongdae short-circuits. “Is everything alright?”

“What happened?” Baekhyun swallows, trying to stand more upright. “It was Junmyeon-hyung’s wedding.”

Jongdae forgot about that one. The big day for Baekhyun’s cousin and his fiance, which should have taken place that night. “Oh.”

“Yeah, _oh_.” Baekhyun barks a laugh. “The party was great. Hyung looked really good. Couldn’t stop smiling all night. Neither could Sehun. It was annoying.” 

On any other occasion, Jongdae would laugh along, make some jokes. But he can’t, because Junmyeon and Sehun aren’t really a part of his life anymore. 

Just like Baekhyun.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.” Jongdae tries to be as sincere as possible, but was he sorry? He couldn't even tell. A lot is going on in his mind right now and the mere presence of Baekhyun is not letting him think properly. He observes Baekhyun up and down once again, feeling his heartbeat speed up.

Baekhyun smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Don’t worry though, your absence was definitely noted,” he drawls. “People asked about you, you know. Grandma asked about you. ‘Where’s Jongdae? How is he doing?’ And I don’t know how you’re doing, so I had to lie to her because she loves you and she would be crushed to learn the truth. You made me lie to Grandma. I hate you.”

_I hate you. Leave me alone._

Jongdae couldn’t help but be reminded of their last conversation, their last fight.

“Why do you look so sad?” Baekhyun extends his neck closer. His smile is still rigid. “You know I don’t mean it. I never do. Thought you would know better, after all these years. But I guess it didn’t really mean anything to you, did it?”

“You’re-” Jongdae tries not to get affected by the words and his grip on the door gets even tighter. “You’re drunk, you’re talking nonsense.”

“Whatever I say, it’s always nonsense to you!” Baekhyun suddenly snaps, followed by an imminent silence that slowly gets uncomfortable. Baekhyun speaks up again, his voice low against the onslaught of the downpour. “Seeing them so happy was killing me and all I could think about was how this is almost us… that-” His breath hitches “that could be us right now” 

Jongdae swears he can see tears in Baek's eyes… if it wasn't for his own blurry vision. Four months ago they were so close, indeed. 

He was a hopeless romantic, wanting to marry him every day and the idea of proposing never left his mind after their fourth year of relationship; Baekhyun was the opposite: “we should wait a little bit more” was the answer he used to get when he tried to talk about the matter.  
  


Always imagining that Baekhyun was afraid of actual commitment, of a “happily ever after” with him and it only made Jongdae’s doubts increase day after day, even more, when Baekhyun would just ignore every word related to their future together. Hearing him now, saying that he wished Junmyeon and Sehun were them instead, a small flame of hope ignites in him.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about us” Baekhyun continues “I-I tried all night but all I could think about was you, Jongdae” 

Those words, those exact words he wanted to hear so bad were only spoken by a drunk brunette boy that perhaps was thinking he was dreaming all of this. Reality brought him back.

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun. You’re not thinking clearly right now, we shouldn’t be discussing this-”

“Why not?! Because you don’t wanna see me anymore, right? You don’t wanna be with me anymore…” He hiccups once again; he’s a whole crying mess but his drunk self has some dignity left “I can’t believe, huh- I can’t believe I miss you so much when you’re like this, rejecting me”

“You know I’m not rejecting you. We should talk when you’re sober. I’ll call a taxi for you”

“I am sober! I am fine!” In an attempt to demonstrate that he is indeed sober (of course not), he tries to balance himself on one left but, as expected, he fails miserably. Baekhyun feels like he might throw up in Jongdae’s slippers and he doesn’t want to embarrass himself even more.

“You know what, I get it. I can pass it on to Grandma. Jongdae is doing well. Jongdae always knows better. Jongdae is happy until I get back in the picture.” He sinks his teeth into his lower lip and separates his body from the wall. “But you don’t have to worry about that anymore.” The nausea is coming back and forth like raging waves and the last thing he wanted to do was to throw up in Jongdae’s feet.

It takes Jongdae a moment to realize that Baekhyun is walking away from his door and into the rain. Where is he going? He’s in no condition to drive, and no taxi is around at this hour. There is something that stops him for a second, and he thinks he is going crazy for wanting to go after Baekhyun, however, Jongdae’s body catches up to his mind, and he runs.

“Baekhyun!”

The person he’s calling keeps walking. Jongdae finally reaches him, and he extends a hand onto Baekhyun’s arm.

“Baekhyun, please,” he calls out. 

“What!” He receives a scream instead. “Let me go!”

His instinct is kicked into overdrive - habits that have developed from years of being with Baekhyun, habits that he thought he has shed away, are now taking over his body, and he speaks the words without thinking.

“Baekhyun, look at me.”

And Baekhyun stills under his touch. He looks at Jongdae, and the damp hair falling onto his eyes couldn’t hide the exhaustion, the hurt, the fear in his gaze. The sight breaks Jongdae’s heart, but he tries his best to continue.

“How are you going to go home like this?” Jongdae mutters, hands resting on Baekhyun’s shoulders. “Please, just stay until it’s no longer raining. I won’t bother you, and you can leave first thing in the morning. Yeah?”

For a moment they remain there, standing. Baekhyun is melting under his touch, and Jongdae watches as the defiance in his stare slowly evaporates, replaced by trembling lips and crinkled, red eyes. 

Baekhyun breaks into a sob, and Jongdae pulls him into his embrace like a reflex, combs through his hair as he cries into Jongdae’s shirt.

Jongdae tries his best to ignore the battering in his chest and bring Baekhyun, who is still holding onto him like a lifeline, into the house.

He closes the door behind him, arms still wrapped around Baekhyun. The man in the suit rests his forehead against Jongdae’s neck, mumbling words.

“What?”

Baekhyun raises his head but doesn’t put any distance between himself and Jongdae. “I’m so tired,” he mutters against Jongdae’s ears.

Jongdae refuses to turn his head. “You’ll go home in no time.”

Yet Baekhyun inches closer. “But I’m already here.”

  
Before Jongdae could say anything, he feels more weight laid on his shoulder. Baekhyun has his eyes closed, and only answers to Jongdae’s with nothing more than slurred murmurs.

* * *

It’s a strange dream, Baekhyun thinks. It got him to wake up several times, tossing and turning on the mattress.

He catches glimpses of sunlight through the window, and he rubs his eyes open. His head is pounding, and he’s not seeing right. The room is bigger than the one he’s been staying in at his family home. He looks down to find that he’s wearing an old t-shirt that he thought he lost. He smiles, remembering all the times he used to put on this clothing.

A slow realization creeps on him.

His eyes wander around the room, inspecting every detail. It may look like nothing has changed, but he knows better. He knows the pictures on the desk have been relegated to the cardboard box on the floor. He knows the plants by the window haven’t always been dead.

Baekhyun checks his sleeping clothes again. They must have been forgotten when he left last time. For a few moments, he remains on the bed, sitting and staring at nothing in particular, knowing that this is likely the last time.

He doesn’t know if he should get up. He feels so bad mentally and physically, everything spinning around. How much did he drink last night? How did he get here, was the most important question.

Why would Jongdae let him sleep there after everything that happened? 

Jongdae didn’t even sleep on the same bed. Or maybe he did? But then he notices that a pillow is missing. His _ex’s_ pillow. He was having high expectations by believing Jongdae would sleep next to him after doing such a show last night, after everything they’ve been through. 

If he were Jongdae, he wouldn't even let him in.

“So what? Like I care” He whispers, wanting to make himself believe his own lie.

The feeling of emptiness quickly fills him, but as much as he wants to stay in that bed and sleep all day, that would only be uncomfortable for Jongdae. 

He has to get out of there as quickly as possible even if he feels like staying all day in that glorious, comfortable bed. 

When he steps out of the room, Jongdae is pouring hot water onto a mug while a pot is heating on the stove. A blanket is laid across the sofa along with a pillow - Jongdae’s pillow, the firm memory foam. Baekhyun remembers teasing Jongdae about the brick-like pillow before they sleep. It’s bitter now, thinking about it.

Baekhyun looks up and realises Jongdae has been following his line of sight. He tears his gaze away, and he could tell Jongdae is doing the same.

“Uh, your suit is in the wash. I hope you don’t mind.”

  
Baekhyun cannot seem to find his own voice for a while.

“Baek-?”

“No, it’s okay…” Baekhyun rushes and Jongdae just nods.

Sitting in the dining room while eating the delicious breakfast that Jongdae has prepared for him, he thinks that perhaps all this is a mistake. 

There are so many things he would like to say to Jongdae, but nothing seems to come of it, and instead of engaging in conversation, Baekhyun fills his mouth with delicious food that, perhaps unconsciously, he had missed tasting. He has to suppress an inevitable moan of satisfaction. How long has it been since he has eaten real food? He doesn't even want to remember.

He vaguely recalls how he ended up agreeing to all this, to be sitting in front of Jongdae, eating his food, sleeping in his bed. Jongdae, who looks at him with a deep... is it pity what he sees in his eyes? Baekhyun avoids his gaze for the nth time because he can’t bear this, feeling how Jongdae is just there… judging him.  
  


“Stop staring.”

“Right, sorry,” Jongdae looks down on his bowl of haejangguk, and Baekhyun immediately regrets his harsh tone. “Can I ask something?”

Baekhyun hums.

“How much do you remember from last night?”

Not much, if Baekhyun is being honest. “Whatever I said last night, I probably didn’t mean it.”

“Right,” Jongdae replies, but it sounds stuck in his throat. “as always.” 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing.”

Their meal is almost done. “I will tell everyone I stayed over at Jongin’s, so they won’t contact you,” Baekhyun says. 

“Baek, you don’t have to-”

“I _want_ to.” Baekhyun swallows and stands up, carrying his plate to the sink and washing it in a hurry. He just needs to get out of there, fast.

He takes his dead phone on the table and makes for the door. “Thank you. For the meal.” He stares at the floor as he puts on his shoes. He can feel Jongdae’s eyes on him - if he meets his gaze, Jongdae will speak again, and it will make it even more difficult for Baekhyun to leave.

So he has to do this.

“Goodbye.” He grabs the handle and closes the door behind him. 

* * *

Staring at the empty side of the table brought bittersweet memories that he didn’t want to remember anymore. 

Baekhyun just left and he feels the emptiness growing within the walls of the cold apartment. He should’ve stopped him this time. He should’ve run up after him.

His home no longer felt like one without Baekhyun’s presence.

After almost five months of not speaking to each other, not knowing anything about their lives, Baekhyun would simply show up at his doorstep claiming to miss him, that he couldn’t stop thinking about them. How on earth was he supposed to react to this kind of situation? Laugh? Cry? He does both.

He can’t believe the way Baekhyun played with his feelings in such an easy way, to destroy with simple words the barrier he had managed to build in case his ex-boyfriend would appear again. And it was so silly of him to think that he would be over him by now, oh he was so wrong… because the moment Baekhyun showed up on his door, Jongdae’s only desire was to hold him tightly and never let him go again.

It was so bloody lonely without Baekhyun near-it was silly, and no matter where he went he wished he would just appear. The opportunity presented itself and he couldn’t let it pass, not now. Deep down he still wants to erase all memories, to be stronger, to hold back and let these intrusive thoughts pass like he has been doing the past months, nevertheless he was a weak man for a little brunette-stubborn boy he couldn’t get out of his mind.

He furiously types on his phone. He just wants to know if Baekhyun’s alright, there was nothing wrong with that, wasn’t there? 

Jongdae is still wounded by the hurtful words Baekhyun said to him that night, asking himself every day if everything he did was actually wrong. He thought he was doing him a favour, that he was helping him with everything he had to offer, but it turns out Baekhyun hated them. Every single thing; Baekhyun despised it.

Had Baekhyun fallen out of love? The thought shatters Jongdae’s heart, it kills him inside… nothing and everything could be possible. Baekhyun never gave him a clear reason why they broke up.

He wishes to demand one, though. He needs closure, he needs to know if what Baekhyun said last night while drunk was true; it probably was… but he needed a sober Baekhyun to say it directly to him.

Jongdae waits for a decent amount of time before he can pick up his cellphone and look for a contact he has forgotten about for so long. The last messages he sent are still unanswered.

He sighs and his chest hurts once again.

Swallowing his pride, he quickly types something that won’t make him look like a desperate fool. 

_“Hey”_

No, too dumb. He deletes it immediately.

_“Hi Baekhyun, it’s Jongdae”_

No, damn, of course, he knows it's him.

_“Did you get home safely? Call me if you need anything”_

Yeah, like Baekhyun’s going to call him like they’re the best of friends after he dashed out of his house. He doesn’t need to call him… he just wants to know if he’s okay.

_“Did you get home safely?”_

  
  
Short, simple. That’ll do.

He wants to step forward in this situation with a little hope. Maybe they can work things out again _._

He presses send.

* * *

Baekhyun looks intently at his cell phone screen, wondering how he should respond to the message his ex has sent him.

_“Did you get home safely?”_

After months of not talking, there’s a text from him, one that brings his world down in a matter of simple seconds, seconds that make his eyes fill with tears.

He can’t help but remember that everything had been wonderful once. He thought that one day he would be walking down the aisle holding the hand of the one he once called the love of his life, with whom he planned to settle down and live a full and happy life.

He doesn’t want to think about this, but his head is all over the place as he lies down on the bed feeling sick to his guts. 

He’s got a fever, according to Chanyeol. His roommate stands over his bed with a cup of hot tea and a suspicious look. “Does this have anything to do with how you disappeared on Sehun’s wedding night?” Chanyeol asks, and interjects just as Baekhyun is about to open his mouth, “Tell me the truth, I know you weren’t at Jongin’s. That kid can’t lie for shit.”

“And what about it?” Baekhyun says, letting his phone slide off his hand on the bed. He’s been caught anyway and there’s no point in trying to lie to him; he’s also tired of… existing, and he doesn't even want to try to make up an excuse, too exhausted for that.

“I’m just-” Chanyeol sighs, putting the cup on the bedside table. “I don’t think this is healthy. It’s-”

“Can we not do this now?” Baekhyun stirs on the mattress.

“You gotta listen, Baekhyun, you’ve been drinking non-stop.”

“And what about it?!” He repeats… more like screams, actually, and Chanyeol flinches. Baekhyun’s heart wrenches at the sight, and he immediately registers what he just did. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“Yell, I know.” Chanyeol sighs, putting the cup on the nightstand. "I'm just saying this is going nowhere. You're ruining your life for something that..."

"For something I destroyed myself, right? Because I'm an asshole."

Baekhyun felt at that moment Chanyeol was about to agree with him.

“You’re not the one who’s at fault” He would say he didn’t know what he was talking about, still Chanyeol knew a lot of things, if not everything. His friend kept talking, tone even more serious “Jongdae is also guilty in all of this mess”

_Don’t say that about him_ , Baekhyun wants to say. But what comes out is a bitter laugh, because in the end he still finds himself wanting to defend Jongdae. “I’m tired.”

“No shit.” Chanyeol turns out the light. “Get some rest, okay? We’ll talk about this again later.”

Baekhyun wanted to refuse. _Talking about it later_ meant crying between his friend's arms because he wants Jongdae back, to cry about why life is so unfair to him and why he had screwed everything they built together without looking back.

But he knows this is a long time coming, and he has a feeling Chanyeol has something up his sleeves.

He looks back at his phone. 

As he's been doing all this time, he decides not to reply.

* * *

It’s only Baekhyun’s second therapy session, but he already feels so exhausted. 

The idea came from Chanyeol. _You should start taking care of yourself - maybe_ _you will feel more comfortable talking to someone you don't know_ , he said. A new face helps, Baekhyun finds, but it still isn’t easy to pour it all out.

It took Chanyeol a lot of money and begging to finally convince him to find a therapist, but it was either that or watch Baekhyun’s light to fade more and more; he couldn't let him live like that. It was a thorough search and Baekhyun took his sweet time finding a therapist he could be comfortable with. Now he was there, lying on the biggest divan sharing all his worries.

“I saw him last week,” he tells the therapist. “He was with someone I didn’t know.”

He was at the supermarket, trying to pick up some food that wouldn’t make Chanyeol mad for how unhealthy they were when he heard _the voice._

There was no need to look for the source. It was Jongdae. Baekhyun had wanted to laugh because, despite his best attempts to ignore his texts after that day, they still had to see each other like this.

Baekhyun didn’t know who that person was by Jongdae’s side. A new friend? Family? A new lover, maybe?

Oh no, what if it was a new lover? That couldn’t be. He needed to look away, but his feet didn’t seem to budge as he stood in his place just like a tree.

Deep down he felt some kind of happiness because he missed seeing his ex's face… but his heart suddenly started to hurt when he saw the way Jongdae was talking to this stranger, laughing over nothing, walking close to each other. 

That could be _him._

He doesn't even notice the couple approach, too lost in his thoughts.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae called, softly, and Baek wanted to cry. “Such a coincidence.”

_Such a painful coincidence_ , Baekhyun thought.

He took a moment to reply, looking back and forth to his companion.

“Ah. This is Kim Minseok, a friend from work”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” the man extended his hand, and Baekhyun stared for a second too long before they could finally shake hands. "And you are?"

“Byun Baekhyun.” He let go of the hand so fast. “Sorry, I have to go.”

He didn’t miss the hurt expression on Jongdae’s face when he rushed away, but he couldn’t stay there, not with the question ringing in his head.

What is he now, to Jongdae?

The therapist leans forward on her seat. “What do you want to be, to him?”

“I-” Baekhyun’s breath catches. “I don’t know. Now I’m just Byun Baekhyun and he’s just Kim Jongdae. But he seems- happy, you know? He seems well, healthy, and he’s out and about with this Minseok guy. He doesn’t have to clean up my mess anymore.” He rubs the back of his neck. “So I have to learn to clean it on my own. It’s my responsibility. I have to be just Byun Baekhyun.”

“You said he seems happy. What about you?” the therapist asks. “What’s going on for you when you say he’s just Kim Jongdae now?”

He tries to hold back the sudden tears that filled his eyes, half-laughing, in an attempt to camouflage his pain; after all, that was what he did best.

“Let it out, Baekhyun"

“Let it out... my feelings for Jongdae?” And it is then that he surrenders, letting the tears fall silently down his face, soon wiping them with the back of his hand. 

“Do you think it’s something you can do?”

“I don’t know.” Baekhyun whimpers. “It might be too late for that.”

He spends the rest of the hour in snivels. It’s tiring, and he doesn’t think he ever cried so much in front of a practical stranger.

But as he steps out of the building, he looks at the setting sun and believes for the first time that there’s a way out of this.


	2. Chapter 2

_Jongdae kept silent, hearing the raging hell Baekhyun was causing on the other side of the room. He just wanted to have a lovely dinner, but now the night was ruined. Again._

_He meant well, he swore. He thought the vacation days would finally give Baekhyun some reprieve from chronic stress. “Baekhyun, come on-”_

_“No, you don’t get to do that.” Baekhyun raised his voice. “This is over the line. Why would you think you can talk to my boss behind my back like that?”_

_“I’m just trying to help,” Jongdae insisted. “You’ve been losing sleep over this-”_

_“So you decided to make me look like an incompetent sod who can’t speak up for myself.” Tears welled up in his eyes. “I should have known you have such little trust in me.”_

_“Baekhyun, that’s not-”_

_“Forget it.” Baekhyun picked up his jacket on the chair and rushed to the door._

_Jongdae didn’t run after him._

* * *

It’s his… fifth? Therapy session. Baekhyun feels more at ease and feels like he can trust the man in front of him, that he listens and actually helps him figure out the mess inside his head.

"There was this ugly fight one-time," Baekhyun starts, feeling a sudden tug on his heart at the mere thought of that discussion. It was ugly, full of hatred, words he didn't mean to say out loud, and maybe the last fight they ever had as a couple.

Heavy rain was pouring down on the whole city, taking Baekhyun’s energy with it. They hadn’t talked in weeks from their last fight; taking double shifts to compensate for those stupid vacations and so he didn’t have to see his boyfriend’s face. 

That night was no different; he didn’t have the will to even say hello to a man who couldn’t respect his boundaries.

“Baekhyun.” Ah, there. That unmatched, soft voice he used to miss on those particular days. The voice that now sounded like expectations, anticipation - burden.

And he had no time for bullshit. He barely looked at Jongdae, ignoring the clean towel being held out for him, while he got rid of the wet clothes, lazily throwing them on the floor. "What do you want?"

“Can we-” Jongdae glimpsed at the scattered clothes. Frustration appeared on his face as fast as it subsided, replaced by a weary conviction. “We need to talk.”

“I don't think so” Baekhyun bitterly snapped.

“You can't ignore me forever.”

“Oh, really?” He frowned. “Watch me.”

After taking off his damp pants he started walking on his boxers straight to the kitchen, drops of water staining the whole floor, not like Baekhyun cared anyway but he was aware how much it annoyed his boyfriend.

“Christ, at least dry yourself first.”

Baekhyun knew that muttering wasn’t meant for his ears. He knew he was being exasperating, and yet.

He shouldn’t be making a big deal of this situation but he was so fucking done with everything; his job, this relationship.

“What did you just say?”

It startled Jongdae, how much malice there was in Baekhyun’s voice. “I-”

“Do you like it that much, that I’m such a fuck-up? So that you can feel superior and always tell me what to do?”

“That's not- where did you get those ideas?” Jongdae tried to approach him with the towel and baek ignored him once again. “Please, you're gonna get sick and you don't want that”

“What do you know about what I want, anyway” He turned around, busy trying to find something to eat. As usual, there was a plate full of delicious food Jongdae saved for him every night, but oh no, he won't give his boyfriend that satisfaction. He quickly reached for an apple.

“Is that all you're gonna eat”

“Oh my god, can you please-? Ugh- stop doing this. I’m not your child”

“No, you’re my boyfriend, and I am seriously worried about you. Why are you being like this?” Jongdae sighed. It’s around 11:00 PM and he wanted some peace, to fix this situation and go to sleep with Baekhyun between his arms, but the latter seems to deny his desires. “I was just trying to help you”

“I’m not having this conversation again”  
  


“Then, when are we gonna talk about this? When you pass out from exhaustion and malnourishment?” Jongdae’s voice was raised. “I’m sorry, but we have to do this.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened. He didn’t know where the burning sensation in his chest came from, but it didn’t matter. There was no turning back. He uttered everything his brain told him to, escalating into screams. “You always make me do shit I don't want to do! Baekhyun do this, Baekhyun do that! Just stop! I can't do everything you want, and I'm so tired of disappointing you!”

There he was, half-naked, letting his unfiltered tongue snap with the most awful things, unfortunately, directly at the one he loves the most.

But he was at his breaking point.

Before letting Jongdae talk back, he turned his back on him “I just can't,” He declared. “I’m exhausted. I want to stop feeling like I’m not enough for you-”

“Baekhyun this is… stop saying those things. I’ve never-”

“Yeah, yeah, you always have the best intentions here”

Jongdae was just taken aback, watching Baekhyun running towards their bedroom.

“Baekhyun, please calm down and listen to me…” He was scared he could say something wrong, but in the end, he realised everything that would come out of his mouth would be deadly to their relationship, just hollow words to Baekhyun.

“I can't do this anymore,” he said as he furiously filled his pathetic, tiny suitcase with his belongings. Not that it was a lot anyway; after living together for years, he didn't have anything there more than clothes and pictures.

“What are you doing?!”

“I really can't do this right now.” He repeated “I can't stand being with someone who thinks I'm so useless that he was to do everything for me! And behind my back!”

“I wanted to help you!” Jongdae raised his voice this time, starting to lose patience. “Is this because I wanted you to rest? You're overreacting right now”

“Oh, am I?!” Baekhyun screams back. “Then you won’t have to deal with my overreacting ass anymore!”

Jongdae saw how Baekhyun rushedly changed into new, clean clothes while he screamed and complained about everything and nothing at the same time. 

Knowing that Baekhyun really wanted to leave at that moment only opened a crack in Jongdae's heart, who in an attempt to hold him back, grabbed him tightly by one of his hands. 

"Let me go!" His boyfriend cried out.

“Listen to me! Please? We can talk it out, just-”

“I hate you! Leave me alone!”

A pause.

He _hated_ him.

And he heard clearly.

That was all it took for Jongdae to loosen his grip and let go.

He went back into the rain, leaving the house for what he thought would be the last time.

They didn’t even say “let’s break-up”, Baekhyun just packed his things and left that house even after Jongdae’s pleads.

He no longer had a house to live in. He lived with Jongdae for years, what was he supposed to do now?

A cheap hotel room was the first thing he thought of, a place to spend for the night while he decided what to do. Was this the end? Could it be their end, tho?

A million calls made his phone blow up that night, texts he no longer wanted to respond to because it was pointless; he knew… Jongdae knew that if he saw one of those messages if he listened to one of his voicemails, he would come back home like nothing ever happened.

It took Baekhyun a few weeks to assimilate what he had done. There were no more messages, the calls soon stopped and the emptiness in his heart began to grow.

The clock ticks in the therapist’s room. Baekhyun hangs his head between his rocking shoulders. It is the first time he ever told this story in full, and it is as much horrific as it is freeing, letting it out in the open.

He realised then.

  
  
Jongdae didn’t run after him again.

* * *

They are standing in front of the apartment door, and Chanyeol shakes his head upon peeking into Baekhyun’s gift bag. Baekhyun doesn’t see what’s so wrong. Granted, he doesn’t know Dahye, as well as Chanyeol, does, but even he can tell from the few meetings they had that she enjoys drinking wine and would appreciate a bottle of fancy-ish Merlot that Baekhyun had managed to pick up at the store for her housewarming party.

He supposed he could have a good time; the last time he was at a party was that stupid wedding that has brought him so much trouble, this is a good way to just _forget_.

Chanyeol gives him a look, glancing at the bag. "No alcohol today, Baek.”

“You're not my dad.”

“No, but I'm your roommate and your friend and you are a pain in the ass when you're drunk… besides…”

“Besides?”

“I just found out but-”

“But?” Baekhyun is in the middle of a panic attack if Chanyeol doesn't speak faster.

“Don't freak out.”

“I am now!”

“I said not to!”

“Tell me already!”

And just like that, Chanyeol drops the bomb. “Jongdae's also coming.” He rushes to add, “Seriously, I was just told half an hour ago, maybe. I would’ve bailed for us, but Dahye had prepared…”

Baekhyun should have known - Dahye used to work together with Jongdae for some projects. He kept track of Jongdae’s work stories, even if the younger didn’t think he was listening. 

“It’s alright. We’re adults, we can be civil for a few hours.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hey, what do you take me for?” Baekhyun smiles. “I’ve been working on this, haven’t I?”

Chanyeol studies him with big, wide eyes. “You’re gonna tell me anytime you want to leave, okay?”

“Aww, you love me.”

“Shut up.” Just as Chanyeol hits on Baekhyun’s shoulder, the door opens to reveal Dahye, who greets both of them with a hug. 

The place is buzzing, and it’s mostly unfamiliar people - which is what Baekhyun has hoped for. He lets Chanyeol socialise - assuring him with a pat on the shoulder that it’s fine - and makes himself busy with helping to set the table and getting acquaintanced with the pet dog. _It’s all fine._ He’s in the moment. He’s sober, and he’s just one of the faces in the crowd.

He is rubbing Olaf the Samoyed between the ears when that voice meets his ears once again. The voice he knows too well.

“Dahye! This is such a great place.”

It takes all of his will not to spin his head and find the source of the voice, which seems to be approaching closer, dipping into a back-and-forth with Dahye about weather and traffic. Baekhyun crouches, even more, folding his body as small as possible to avoid being seen.

It doesn’t work.

“Baekhyun.”

He turns around. There Jongdae stands, curls covering his eyes that make Baekhyun’s hands itch to tuck them behind his ears. But he knows better, so he stays seated on the floor, hand perched on Olaf’s head.

“Hey.” Baekhyun eyes Dahye behind Jongdae’s back, and he’s disappointed when she only throws him a knowing smile before walking away to greet other guests.

“Um.” Jongdae shifts from foot to foot, seemingly stumped by the curt response. “Well. I know it’s been too long, but I got your suit.” He takes the canvas bag off his shoulder and holds it out towards Baekhyun.

“My- oh. Um, thank you.” Baekhyun reaches out for the bag reluctantly. His eyes dart from the bag to Jongdae, who doesn’t seem to be moving. “Is there anything else?”

“What?”

“If there’s nothing else, thank you for the suit.” Baekhyun gets up with his back to Jongdae and starts walking away. 

“Is everything okay?” Jongdae speaks up suddenly. “You left so suddenly, the other day.”

Baekhyun tries to decipher why Jongdae is still doing this. “Why wouldn’t it be?” _Don’t make a scene, don’t make a scene_. “Where’s that guy, by the way? Minseok?”

Jongdae’s brows are furrowed. “At home, maybe. Why would-” His eyes widen in a flash, suddenly understanding. “Oh.”

“He seems like a good guy.” Baekhyun laughs it off. “Anyway, doing these kinds of things can give people the wrong idea, you know. So if you will excuse me.”

“We’re not together, not like that,” Jongdae cuts in, stepping closer. “Can we talk?”

Baekhyun can feel eyes on them, right there in the open kitchen. Even Chanyeol is staring from the other side of the room. Before the tall guy can approach closer, Baekhyun takes Jongdae by the elbow and speaks under his breath, “Outside.”

In the privacy of the night, Baekhyun can feel at ease, without a million eyes on them. And it’s also quite… intimate, just the two of them, and he feels kind of happy he can see Jongdae up close again, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“What’s your deal?” He is the first one to break the ice after several seconds of awkward silence.

“I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I _am_ alright. How much more do I have to say?” Baekhyun looks away. “Besides, why do you care? It’s none of your concern an-” 

“Of course I care.”

“I’m just a stranger to you now.”

“You’re not,” Jongdae exclaims. “You’ve been in my life for so long. I will always care about you. I will always want you to be happy.”

Baekhyun scuffs. “Oh, so now you decide I’m unhappy?”

“You’re not listening.”

“Me? What do you think you’ve been doing all this time?” Baekhyun sneers. “You do this thing where you’re _telling_ me how I’m doing instead of _asking_ me.” 

“Then tell me. Baekhyun, how are you doing?” He sighs. “What are you feeling?”

Baekhyun steps back, feeling his breath catching. He wants to tell Jongdae so many things that he doesn't know where to start. Should he talk about how he has lived for months with a broken heart? Should he talk about how he feels lost in the world without him by his side? 

This was an awful idea.

They had gone from being everything to nothing and there they were, face to face, and shame was swallowing him up just by remembering everything he had said and even what he didn’t.

He suddenly has no words, realizing this was too much for him to ask, not sure if he wanted to share all that’s been bothering him the past few weeks or months. 

“I missed you.” 

He sounds hurt and he knows Jongdae knows this. He's waiting for him to reply, to hear him say "I missed you too" so he can rest in peace, so he can lift the weight off his shoulders.

Almost one minute passes.

Still no reply.

"... Forget it, I-"

"You were the one who pushed me away," Jongdae breathes. "You wanted us to be over, you clearly told me to leave you alone and then you showed up at my door andㅡ"

Those words hurt his pride. Yes, they wanted them to be over but not because he ever stopped loving him.

“I can’t do anything right.” Baekhyun interrupts, more like… he thinks out loud. “I’ve been such a mess, right? And you’ve been so patient, you tried to help, but every time something happened I can’t help but think, _this is it. This is where Jongdae will finally decide he’s had enough and leave me._ So I pulled the plug first. You tried to fix me, Jongdae, but maybe this is just who I am.” He smiles. “And you’re better off with someone who’s not broken.”

“Baekhyun.”

“But it’s all for the best, right?” He puts on a grin so wide it hurts his jaw. “I’m fine, too! I started going to therapy, and-”

“Baekhyun, look at me.”

Baekhyun’s tacked-on smile melts away, and the air is tense once again.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“All this time,” Jongdae looks at him, eyes glassy, “I made you feel like you’re broken.”

“Jongdae, no-”

“But I don’t get to decide that.” Jongdae takes a deep breath. “I don’t get to decide you’re broken, just like you don’t get to decide that I’m better off with someone else.”

He inches closer, seeking permission through his gaze before enveloping Baekhyun’s hands in his. The touch releases something in Baekhyun, comforting and grounding him - it’s been so long since he felt home. He finds his body yielding onto Jongdae, head resting on his shoulder.

If they stay that way for a while, standing in front of the apartment building in each other’s embrace, none of them remarks on it.

Jongdae hopes this _means_ something.

Baekhyun hopes this _fixes_ something.


	3. Chapter 3

“ _Hey, Jongdae. It’s Chanyeol_ ” 

A message pops up on his screen at an ungodly hour, and Chanyeol talking to him can only mean one thing: Byun Baekhyun.

It's been a week since he and Baekhyun talked. Jongdae has wanted to pick up the phone so many times to call him, and would have done so if he hadn’t been so afraid of being rejected like the last months-even if deep down he knew for sure his ex missed him. Things were uncertain. After the party they parted ways with another hug. 

He still remembers Baekhyun's face after saying goodbye, with a slight blush on his face and the prettiest smile he’s seen.

Jongdae curses himself as he reads another text from Chanyeol.

“ _I was wondering if we could talk one of these days_ ”

Jongdae sighs. 

Without any further thought, he presses the call button.

The phone rings two times before Chanyeol finally answers.

And one hour turns into two, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. He needed this kind of relief. 

“I feel like… he considers me to be a stranger and nothing more, you know,” Jongdae mutters. “I shouldn’t have treated him like a kid, but I just wanted to-”

“To help him, yeah. Baekhyun told me about it”

“But you should have seen him, Chanyeol, that day… it wasn’t him. He said he hated me. At some point, I thought he was going to say that he… that he didn’t love me anymore”

A sigh from the other line. “Do you think that’s possible?”

 **_  
_**  
“I just want to hear him say it. I know I’m being greedy... He said he missed me but now I want so much more. I want to know what he really feels for me right now. If we should put a definite end to this or… if we could just give ourselves another try”

“And why don’t you ask him?”

It’s easier said than done, Jongdae thinks. But it seems to be the only way. 

He goes to bed with a light mind, feeling relieved… so free after talking his heart out to a good friend. To someone who understands them both, someone who won’t judge.

He wants to send another text that night, Chanyeol’s words not leaving his mind.

  
  
_“Hey, Baekhyun… I was wondering if you… wanted to come for dinner?”_

No, too silly… or maybe that was his brain speaking, fighting his heart who wanted to send a million texts right away. 

He decides to listen to his brain this time. He would give Baekhyun some time. 

If he wanted to talk, then he would come to him.

Then a phone call comes in, and the name on the screen makes Jongdae almost drop his phone.

* * *

Once again Baekhyun finds himself back in Jongdae’s house.

This time he comes invited. He’d stared at his phone for what felt like hours, reading all the text messages from Jongdae that went unanswered, trying to build up the courage to call him. Jongdae picked up just when Baekhyun was about to give up. The next thing he knows, they are sitting on the house’s second floor balcony, sipping the tea that Jongdae has prepared.

Still, it is strange for Baekhyun to be sitting here with Jongdae like they used to, when so much has happened, so much has changed between them.

“How’s the therapy going?”

Baekhyun stiffens because he is not very proud of that fact, he is ashamed of what it implies. What will his ex think of that? He probably thinks he’s a fool, a weak and pathetic fool. He shouldn’t have mentioned it before because now he feels ashamed.

What should he say? There are a million replies he could offer, however they didn’t seem to be enough for himself.

Jongdae seems to notice. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”

“No, that’s fine.” Baekhyun inhales. “It’s alright. It’s tough. It’s... confronting, to look back at all the things I did to you.”

After a long and painful silence, Jongdae opens his mouth to take a long breath first. "You hurt me, Baekhyun"

“But I hurt you too. We made a lot of mistakes”

Baekhyun takes a deep breath, trying to remind himself that this is no time to sabotage the conversation by getting angry, much less when the person he loves is also sharing his sorrows.

And he gets it. He really does.

The afternoon breeze sweeps against their faces. It’s been a while since they had the time to do this - just sitting side by side, watching the changing colours of the sky on the balcony. It reminds Baekhyun of all the peaceful moments they spent together.

"Do you remember when we used to go to my grandma's house during the holidays? And she made us wake up at seven in the morning just to help her with making dumplings?”

“Yeah.” Jongdae smiles. “I miss her.”

“She misses you too, more than she misses his own grandson, believe me.”

Jongdae looks at him for a while. “And you?” Finally, he finds his voice.

“Me?”

“Do you still miss me?”

Baekhyun’s laugh is stuck on his throat. “You really want me to say it out loud again, don’t you.”

“Maybe I do want to hear you say it again… if that’s what you feel, Baekhyun” He turns to look at Baekhyun’s side profile; urges of wanting to kiss his cheek have to be deeply held. “I’m not… forcing you, though, I don’t want you to think that way anymore.”

Baekhyun hums, deep in thought.

“You said you don’t remember what you told me, that night,” Jongdae speaks up again. “Do you want to know?”

Baekhyun cringes but nods anyway.

“You said,” Jongdae swallows, “Junmyeon and Sehun were so happy, and that could’ve been us.”

Silence accompanies them once again; Jongdae’s slowly losing faith despite all the progress they seem to have made.

He continues anyway. “You said you missed us.” And he prays this time Baekhyun won’t run away. “Do you mean it?” 

Baekhyun holds his breath because it hurts to say these kinds of thingsㅡthings he was just learning to face and accept. “I don’t want to miss you still,” he whispers, ashamed someone might hear his speech. Truth is, no one but Jongdae is listening to him in the privacy of the lonely balcony. “I let myself believe I was over you and tell everyone I didn’t care about you. But I miss you every day."

A hand moves to find Jongdae’s and slowly holds him, tangling their fingers. “I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says after a while. “I know you were just trying to help me. I shouldn’t have been an asshole just… because you didn’t know how-” He struggles, but he wants to come clear. “You were trying your best.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Jongdae tightens his hold. "Making you do things you didn't want… for doing things behind your back, without taking you into consideration. It wasn't fair, but I needed words, Baekhyun" He whispers that one last sentence. "I need you to tell me what you feel out loud, I'm no mind-reader" 

Light memories from the drunk Baekhyun were coming back, making his chest swell with love, with incredible relief after finding out what his ex-boyfriend is really feeling towards him.

Jongdae knows how hard it is for Baekhyun to tell his mind out loud, even more feelingsㅡbut that was okay because that's how he learned to love him.

“But for what it’s worth, I miss you, too.”

“Yeah?”

Jongdae nods, stroking Baekhyun’s hand with his thumb and warmth starts to spread across Baekhyun’s chest ㅡ he now realised how much he missed the sensation. 

"Like crazy."

He wants to get closerㅡhe wants to embrace him so tightly and never let him go again, not now, not ever.

“Jongdae.”

“Yeah?”

Baekhyun closes the gap between them, sitting closet and turning his head to him, looking straight at his lips. 

They stare at each other for it feels like hours, the excitement running over their bodies as they erase any space that is holding them back, not being able to hold the tiny little sigh after their lips touch for the first time in months.

It's shy and slow at first, finding a way of tasting each other more comfortably, opening their lips and letting tongues slide and explore, slight bites and sucks getting bolder and eager.

Almost ten minutes later, with flushed faces and big smiles, Baekhyun finds himself on top of Jongdae, both in need of catching their breath for a second.

“Do you…?”

“Yes?”

Baekhyun swallows. It's not easy to say it, but pride aside, it's all he's been wanting to say. “Do you want to try again, with me?”

He is still trying to heal. But he’s happier with himself now, and there’s Jongdae on his side, of course, if he wants to be part of his life and give him one last chance.

He's never been so nervous, yet so desperate, to hear an answer before.

_"Always."_


End file.
